An interview with Martha Stout
Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, explains how to recognize a sociopath, outlines her thirteen rules for dealing with sociopaths in everyday life, and gives specific advice for dealing with them in the workplace.
How do you spot a sociopath?
A sociopath has no conscience, no ability to feel shame, guilt or remorse.
Since 1 in 25 ordinary Americans is a sociopath, you almost certainly know one
or more than one already. How can you recognize him or her?
- Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they live
only to dominate others and win.
- They have a kind of glow or charisma that makes them more charming or
interesting than the other people around them. They are more spontaneous,
more intense, complex, or even sexier than everyone else.
- They crave stimulation and excitement, often showing brief intense
enthusiasms that they later drop.
- They are seductive, encouraging others to take risks.
- They will tell you that you are just like them. Don't believe it.
Who is the devil you know?
- Could it be your lying, cheating ex-husband?
- Your sadistic high school gym teacher?
- Your boss who loves to humiliate people in meetings?
- Sometimes you just know 'em when you see 'em….
- Historical sociopaths: Hitler, Stalin, Rasputin, Eichmann, Pol Pot, John
Gotti
Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life
- The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people
literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like
Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us.
- In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a
person has taken on -- educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanist,
parent -- go with your instincts.
Whether you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human
behavior, and your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly
outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self
understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels
do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.
- When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of
Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the
responsibilities he or she has.
Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise,
or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two
may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a
liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses
and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be
easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a
three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
- Question authority.
Once again -- trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those
concerning people who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some
other violation of your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do
this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely
stopped questioning authority. Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram
taught us about obedience. (At least six out of ten people will blindly obey
a present, official-looking authority to the bitter end.) The good
news is that having social support makes people somewhat more likely to
challenge authority. Encourage those around you to question, too.
- Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast,
flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the
material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to
manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and
sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect
flattery. This "flattery rule" applies on an individual
basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout
all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the
flattering claim that one's own forces are about to accomplish a victory
that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally
laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor,
righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the
human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all
sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied
to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.
- If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of
someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.
I have a spotted Bengal cat who was named Muscle Man by my daughter when she
was a toddler, because even as a kitten he looked like a professional
wrestler. Grown now, he is much larger than most other domestic cats. His
formidable claws resemble those of his Asian leopard-cat ancestors, but by
temperament, he is gentle and peace-loving. My neighbor has a little calico
who visits. Evidently the calico's predatory charisma is huge, and she is
brilliant at directing the evil eye at other cats. Whenever she is within
fifty feet, Muscle Man, all fifteen pounds of him to her seven, cringes and
crouches in fear and feline deference.
Muscle Man is a splendid cat. He is warm and loving, and he is close to my
heart. Nonetheless, I would like to believe that some of his reactions are
more primitive than mine. I hope I do not mistake fear for respect, because
to do so would be to ensure my own victimization. Let us use our big human
brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so we can
disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect world,
human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong,
kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening you is
not likely to be any of these.
The resolve to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for
groups and nations. The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people
with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism,
and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to
be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true
throughout human history.
- Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a
seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with
him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting
yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
- The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to
refuse any kind of contact or communication.
Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case,
I make a very deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for
dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from
your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social
contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social
arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of
your own relationships and social life. You will not hurt anyone's feelings.
Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise,
sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.
You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are
avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to
see, and harder to explain. Avoid hi/her anyway.
If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to
the goal of total avoidance.
- Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is
another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent
people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If,
instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you
or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances
are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
Related to this -- I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be
polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being
what we think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we
find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged
us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back.
Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive
situations.
Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.
- Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess
conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how
to swallow hard and cut your losses.
At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life
lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the
behavior-- let alone the character structures-- of other people. Learn this
fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same
ambition he has-- to control.
If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help
only those who truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not
include the person who has no conscience.
The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is
also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.
- Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath
conceal his or her true character.
"Please don't tell," often spoken tearfully and with great
gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-- and
sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be
warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.
If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her,
recall what you are about to read here-- that "You owe me" has
been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite
literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia.
It is what Hannah's father implied to her, after her eye-opening
conversation with him at the prison.
We tend to experience "You owe me" as a compelling claim, but it
is simply not true. Do not listen. Also, ignore the one that goes, "You
are just like me." You are not.
- Defend your psyche.
Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to
convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess
conscience. Most human beings are able to love.
- Living well is the best revenge.
Advice For The Workplace
Is there a bully where you work?
Are you concerned that your coworker may be lying about you behind your back?
Does your boss insult you, or seem to want to make your life more difficult?
Have you ever suspected that someone at the top is cheating?
If so, you may actually be dealing with a sociopath, a person who literally
has no conscience, who loves to make people jump just for the fun of it-- a
person who can do anything at all without the slightest twinge of guilt.
Four percent of Americans are sociopaths, meaning that they have no
conscience, and this statistic probably gets larger as one goes up the ladder of
success. At the top echelons of success in big business, sociopaths are probably
even more plentiful. Most sociopaths in business are not physically violent, and
they don't look like Charles Manson. They look like we do.
In your daily work life, how can you identify and cope effectively with such
people? Here are some guidelines:
- SUSPECT FLATTERY. Sincere compliments from a coworker or a boss are nice,
but outrageous flattery is often an attempt to draw you into a sociopath's
snare. If you feel your ego is being massaged, you may be dealing with a
sociopath. Be careful.
- TAKE LABELS AND TITLES WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. Just because someone is older
than you, has a higher position or more degrees, or is wealthier than you
does not mean his or her moral judgment is better than yours.
- IN YOUR ASSESSMENTS OF THE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH, PRACTICE THE RULE OF
THREES. (The author will explain what this is.)
- ALWAYS QUESTION AUTHORITY WHEN IT CONFLICTS WITH YOUR OWN SENSE OF RIGHT
AND WRONG. This may be hard to do, but it is crucial to your own career and
well-being.
- NEVER AGREE TO HELP A SOCIOPATH CONCEAL HIS OR HER SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES
AT WORK.
- If you are afraid of your boss, NEVER CONFUSE THESE FEELINGS WITH RESPECT.
- NEVER HAVE A PRIVATE ARGUMENT WITH A SOCIOPATH AT WORK. (The author will
explain why not.)
- REALISTICALLY ASSESS THE DAMAGE TO YOUR LIFE. If it's too great, you may
have to leave. Remember that living well is the best revenge.
Unless otherwise stated, this interview was conducted at the time the book was first published, and is reproduced with permission of the publisher.
This interview may not be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the copyright holder.
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