-
Your next favorite book
is waiting.
Laura Carroll discusses her book, Families of Two: Interviews with Happily Married Couples without Children by Choice, the couples she interviewed, and childfree marriage.
In the introduction to Families of Two: Interviews with Happily Married
Couples without Children by Choice, author Laura Carroll describes her role
as that of mid-wife, delivering the stories of the couples she interviewed to
the printed page. Recently, I had the opportunity to ask Laura about her book,
the couples she interviewed, and childfree marriage.
What inspired you to write this book?
A couple of years ago my husband and I wanted to find out about couples who had
made the same choice as we did, and who had been married for awhile. We wanted
to learn about lifelong marriages that did not include parenthood. When I could
not find a book that addressed this topic directly, as a writer I decided to go
find the couples myself!
Why is this topic important now?
The number of childfree couples is increasing. An estimated 14% of couples do
not have children today, and this number is expected to increase to 20%, or to 1
in 5 couples by the year 2010. In 1975, 1 in 10 women did not have children.
Today it is 1 in 5. The Census researchers I have talked to indicate that
although they do not directly track the choice factor, they believe the 1 in 5
today more often reflects the choice not to have children, given that medical
technology is so good these days.
Although more people are making this choice, many people find it hard not to
have children, given the social pressures that still exist today. The more
people know that this choice is becoming less and less unusual, and believe that
it is just fine not to want children, the more they will feel freer to make the
decision that is truly best for them. The more having children is truly seen as
a choice, the more society will be ready to accept the notion that there are
many ways to live a meaningful life, and that raising children is but one way - not the only way to find fulfillment.
Who should read your book?
Families of Two provides insight for couples who are deciding whether to
have children, and to friends and family of couples who have chosen or may
choose not to have children. It is also for those of us who have chosen not to
have children as a way to celebrate this choice and learn from others who have
made the same decision.
How can couples currently deciding whether or not to have children
benefit from reading Families of Two?
There is plenty to read about having children, how to raise them, etc. There is
less out there that looks at both sides of the decision to have children. This
book looks at the less looked at side from married couples' perspectives. It
will help couples come to their decision individually and together, and assist
them in coming to their answers to important questions regarding the decision to
have children: Why do I want to have children? What experience do I want
through having them? Can I get this experience another way? This book also helps
couples look at what a fulfilling marriage means to them.
How can your book be used to explain the childfree choice to family
and friends?
Each of the couples in the book answer specific questions about their childfree
decision; how they reached that decision; their happiness and the quality of
their lives without children, and how they deal with the many questions and
pressures they face with family and friends. Their interviews can help others
understand this decision, especially if it isn't one they have made themselves.
It illustrates that childfree people come from all walks of life, and that they
are not strange or lacking in any way.
How did you select the couples you interviewed? How did you decide
which of those interviews to include?
I first advertised in my local newspaper, and in a few other cities. I put
messages on internet message boards, chat rooms, and the network of contacts
spread like wild fire! I ended up interviewing over 100 couples, conducting in
depth in person interviews with about 40, then chose 15 for the book. It was
very difficult to choose the couples - there are so many articulate, interesting
couples out there. Ultimately, I chose couples that I believed best represented
the array of lifestyles, backgrounds, and viewpoints of the larger group I
interviewed.
What challenges did you face in finding ethnically and racially
diverse couples to interview?
While researching the book, I found it difficult to get ad responses from
African American and Hispanic couples. I advertised in print media with
readership in these groups. Last decade Census data did indicate that the
numbers of women without children in these groups were quite low. I hypothesized
that I was either trying to locate them in the wrong ways, and/or there weren't
many to be found. The criteria I was looking for narrowed the pool too: I wanted
couples who had been married at least 10 years, would describe themselves as
happily married, had no children from current or past relationships, and who had
chosen not to have children. I did get responses from racially diverse couples
who had been married less than 10 years, and who already had children from
previous relationships. There is a lot of taboo surrounding having no children
with people of different racial backgrounds and cultures. I did get lucky though
- I found a wonderful Mexican American couple that agreed to be in the book who
speak to many of the points I learned from couples of different races but did
not include for one reason or another.
They are out there - A recent Census study reveals that 1 in 5 African
American women between the ages of 40-44 do not have children. It is the same
for Caucasian women today. Hispanic women in this age range continue to show
lower levels of childlessness (this is the term studies still use) than these
two groups.
How did you choose the photos used to illustrate the book?
I worked with a photographer to get individual photos and shots of the couple
together "in" their lives. We chose the photos we liked the best, then
got the ok from the couples to include them in the book.
What has been the reaction from others to your book?
I can't tell you how many childfree people I talked with who said, "Finally
someone wants to hear from us!" The book has been well received by the
media. The public is clearly ready to talk more about this topic. I have been on
a number of television news and talk shows, including the CBS Early Show, on
public radio, and syndicated radio shows. Callers on radio talk shows range from
the adamant childfree to those who believe our purpose in life is to procreate.
The topic definitely generates lots of discussion!
What factors do you believe have contributed to the success of your
book?
People are ready to talk more openly about this topic, and I believe more and
more childfree people want the misconceptions and myths about them and their
choice put straight. And I have a great publicist!
Families of Two is currently #1 on Amazon's Silicon Valley
Purchase Circle. Did you find some demographic groups or geographical areas more
receptive to your book?
I wouldn't say one area or another was more receptive, but in locating couples,
I did find that more couples who answered my advertisements tended to live on
the coasts, e.g., New York, Pennsylvania, Washington state, Oregon, California.
This is not to say I did not find couples in other areas. I watched where
couples who responded clustered, and to make my research more cost effective, I
went to those areas. In other words, rather than make one trip to St Louis to
see two couples, I went to NYC/Washington DC/Penn. to interview a number of
them. Finding couples on the coasts also lines up with recent research that
indicates people without children tend to be found in more urban areas on the
coasts.
Did you find anything in your research that surprised you?
A number of things surprised me. A good number of the couples did not talk much
about having children before they got married, and went into the marriage
agreeing to let the decision evolve - a risky way to go! For some this worked,
but for others it caused conflict down the road. I also learned that women are
not necessarily more often the ones to drive the decision. I talked with many
men who have very strong feelings about not having children before they get
married.
I was also surprised how strong many of the misconceptions are about
childfree people and their choice. The most common couples talk about in Families
of Two include:
We are selfish, self absorbed people. As you see in the book, these
couples have different takes on what selfishness means. After conducting
interviews, I left feeling that these couples are anything but selfish. They
often see far beyond themselves, and how their decisions impact others, their
communities and our world. Many of them are out there contributing to children
and to social, environmental and political causes. The classic "dink"
(double income no kids) stereotype that portrays the materialistic yuppie couple
with all of the trappings just does not stick for most of these folks!
We are irresponsible, or unwilling to take on the responsibilities of
adulthood. I found the couples I interviewed to be quite responsible. As an
example, many of them thought long and hard about their decision to have or not
have children - how it would impact their financial situation, their
relationship, etc. In my experience, this is unlike many people who do
have children! On balance they are just like anybody else - they have jobs,
mortgages, and all the rest of the kinds of responsibilities that go along with
being adults in today's society.
We hate kids.
We had bad childhoods. The people I interviewed came from a range of
family backgrounds - from great families to families with lots of problems.
Research also indicates there is no correlation between troubled childhoods and
likeliness not to have children. People from troubled backgrounds are just as
likely to have children as not to have children. It is interesting, however, how
some people from troubled backgrounds choose to have children because
they want to "be the parents they never had," as a way to heal their
early experiences. Others respond by not wanting children because they often
feel they would not make good parents, given the role models they had.
The couples in this book help dispel these myths!
What was the most controversial finding in your book?
A few topics get more heated than others. Parents may very well react to the
fact that many of the couples I interviewed think they have happier marriages
than couples who bring children on to the scene. Some research supports this
idea, and other research does not.
There are also different perspectives about the notion of the
"biological urge." Do we truly have it, or is it more socially
induced? There are differing views on this!
Some couples talked about how they asked friends who are parents, "If
they could do it over again would they?" Couples consistently told me that
half of those they asked this question candidly answered "no." Others
who have asked this question of parents have received similar answers. For
example, author of Why Don't You Have Kids?, Leslie LaFayette, asked
callers to answer this question anonymously, and over 60% of them said they
would not do it again. In promoting the book, parents I have talked with (who
call in on radio shows, or who are the audience on talk shows) have gotten quite
contentious about this - they just don't believe it is true. It is still very
taboo to admit this sort of thing.
How does a childfree marriage differ from a more traditional
marriage?
The couples with whom I talked spoke of how they get to spend lots of time
together, and cultivate the relationship. As those of us who are married know,
marriage is work! They have more time to work on issues that come up. Some
couples commented how it is more difficult not to deal with issues
because children are not in the picture. They talked about how parents have told
them how children can be the great distracter, and can allow couples not to deal
with issues between the two of them - they are busy with the kids!
Many of the couples I spoke with value egalitarianism in their marriage. Some
marriages do not necessarily look traditional. For example, she may be the main
breadwinner, he does the housework, or he handles the money and investments. A
good number of them tend not to be locked into their gender roles.
What characteristics did you find are common among people who choose
not to parent?
While they are a diverse group, I did see some trends. These people value their
freedom. They are very independent people, and many speak to how they were
raised this way. This is not to say that parents are not independent, but
childfree people seem to be stronger on the scale. Like some of the research
indicates, I found a good number of couples were oldest children, or only
children in their families. Some women had untraditional female role models
growing up. Some men talked about how they saw their dads struggle to provide
for the family when they were growing up, and how they decided early in their
lives that they did not want to grow up and have a life like this.
What advantages/disadvantages of their decision did the couples feel
were most important?
Advantages: Freedom, more opportunity for personal growth, to cultivate their
relationship, and to pursue goals that are important to them.
Disadvantages: They often feel misunderstood, left out, judged especially
because they are not living up to others' expectations of them, and find it hard
to maintain friendships with people who become parents.
What regrets, if any, were expressed by your interviewees?
The regrets they spoke of had more to do with those they would have had had
they had children!
What did you find is the biggest reason happily married couples chose
not to have children?
I found that it boils down to a lack of emotional desire. With a low or neutral
desire, it is easier for concerns to kick in. Can we afford it? How will it
affect our relationship? There are already too many people in the world already.
These kinds of concerns sit secondary to what they feel in their heart. It works
the other way too - if a couple really wants a child, do they find the money (or
believe they will)? Will they be more likely to believe they will ultimately be
able to keep their relationship strong? Will they rationalize why it is ok to
bring one child into the world? Our desires can definitely color how we think
about things.
Then the interesting question is why they lack the desire - this is an
individual thing, and the couples in the book speak well to this.
What plans do you have to follow-up your research?
I would like to learn more from long time married childfree couples from
different racial and cultural backgrounds. I am also interested in the next
generation - are they deciding earlier not to have children? I know when my
husband went in to get his vasectomy, there were two young men in the waiting
room, in no more than their mid twenties, who were there to get vasectomies.
They were very clear about not wanting children. I wonder - Is this a trend? Or
is there more of a trend of one-parent children, e.g., women having a baby
without a partner? I would like to learn more about what this generation is
thinking and doing on the subject of children.
Unless otherwise stated, this interview was conducted at the time the book was first published, and is reproduced with permission of the publisher. This interview may not be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the copyright holder.
John Gray, Ph.D., is the author of Mars and Venus on a Date, a follow-up to his phenomenal bestselling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which has sold more than 6 million copies in the United States ... (more)
If you enjoyed:
Families of Two
Try:
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
by John Gray
Cheryl Jarvis is a freelance journalist whose books have been published in 19 countries and translated into 16 languages. The Necklace: Thirteen Women and the Experiment that Transformed Their Lives was a New York Times ... (more)
If you enjoyed:
Families of Two
Try:
The Marriage Sabbatical
by Cheryl Jarvis
We recommend 2 similar authors
 (1).gif)
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
Click Here to find out who said this, as well as discovering other famous literary quotes!
Can you name the title?
Test your book knowledge with our daily trivia challenge!
Your guide toexceptional books
BookBrowse seeks out and recommends the best in contemporary fiction and nonfiction—books that not only engage and entertain but also deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
