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Gyms, Gurus, Goop, and the False Promise of Self-Care
by Rina Raphael
Of course, men are also overstretched, but women experience a particular strain of stress, and if recent surveys are to be believed, experience far more of it. Almost half of American women say their stress levels increased over the past five years (compared to 39 percent of men) and that anxiety keeps them up at night. And despite the benefits of coupledom, the legally bound seem to carry a heavier load: more than one-third of married women report managing "a great deal of stress" versus 22 percent of unattached women.
The home is one of the bigger battlegrounds in the war between the sexes. The average woman spends two more hours each day than the average man cooking, cleaning, and caretaking, and nearly two-thirds of women say they bear the responsibility for most of the chores. They are constantly multitasking, holding a laptop with one hand and a Swiffer in the other. That unequal distribution of work affects them in multiple ways. Women have less time to focus on their careers, get involved in politics, kvetch to their friends, or heck, go to therapy. In one survey, 60 percent said the one person they never had enough time for was themselves.
Stressed as they are at home, work, at least anecdotally, appears to also be one of women's chief complaints. Americans work the longest hours of all the industrialized nations, with the average workweek clocking in at forty-seven hours. Germany, in comparison, averages thirty-five hours. The land of the free is also the only advanced economy that doesn't guarantee workers paid time off, whereas European Union members mandate at least twenty days of paid leave. Three out of four women suffer from burnout, defined as emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive stress. Just how bad is it? One survey discovered that 48 percent of employees have cried at work, and while women are more inclined to break down in tears over stress, 36 percent of men also acknowledged crying on the job. That's because day-to-day work is an exhausting obstacle course of stressors. Further, the stress often doesn't end once you leave the office: an "always-on" environment encourages bosses to email you at any time. Knowing a ping of anxiety could be incoming at all hours, there is no real end to the workday.
One might tell women to just find other jobs if their workplaces don't support them, but in this economy? It's not so easy. Few options are available in what's become a cutthroat race for well-paying, full-time employment with solid benefits. Job insecurity and a growing gig economy put the American dream ever-teetering on a pinnacle, always on the verge of tipping over. We're not hustling to get ahead as much as to just stay put and pay off our student loan debt—or the mortgage.
A wide cross section of women battle stress, though their wounds differ. Caretaking responsibilities within the office—organizing birthday celebrations, mentoring new hires, mediating disputes between co-workers—often fall to female managers with little acknowledgment. Childless women complain they're routinely expected to work longer hours than caregiving peers, and they feel insulted that management assumes they have no life after six o'clock. Maybe they too would like to leave at a reasonable hour so that they could tend to personal matters or just do whatever it is that fulfills them? Maybe they have a date?
Not that dating necessarily generates stress relief: many singles report they need to compete in a Hunger Games–like scene where individuals "swipe" their way through an endless supply of mates, where chasing "something better on the horizon" is as easy as ordering a pizza. Those wading through the dating circuit can get caught up in a shallow hookup culture, which some researchers link to lowered self-esteem. (Almost 50 percent of women report a negative reaction after a fling, versus 26 percent of men.) However you identify—gay, straight, whatever—casual sex may not always be as fun and carefree as Sex and the City would have us believe. While some do enjoy a buffet of one-night stands, others might experience depressive symptoms and loneliness.
Excerpted from The Gospel of Wellness by Rina Raphael. Copyright © 2022 by Rina Raphael. Excerpted by permission of Henry Holt and Company. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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